Letters to the editor.

Some people, apparently, really are stupid enough to fall for these things. Incredible. The rest of us can safely enjoy the glories of their English usage.

From: URGENT AND STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. [beverlymurray3000@yahoo.co.uk]
Subject: ASSISTACES

How could I fail to be intrigued by a subject line like that?

ATT: Sir/Madam,

My name is MADAM BEVERLY MURRAY . I am a deaf and dump ...

I've been trying to think of something pithy and clever to say about that for ten minutes. I give up.

... and i am a complete citizen of the united state of america ...

Does the US have any partial citizens?

... widow tothe late former minister of finance in phillippine ...

Late and former? That's bloody unlucky.

... who was a victim of theterrorist attack against the united state of america on the 11th september 2001 that crashed the world trade centre in new york.

I inherited a total sum of $25.5 million dollars from my late husband,this moneymoney ...

Subtle emphasis there.

... which is concealed in a metallic trunk boxes is deposited with a security and finance company in europe under a secret arrangement as family treasure.This mean's that the security company does not know the content of the boxes that was sent from united state of america under a diplomatic coverage.

People really fall for this. What century must they think we're living in? They think money comes in the form of big trunks of gold ferreted away in top secret locations. Why not send us a map with a big X on it? Arrrrr, me hearties!

The fact that these trunks are metallic is an important detail, I think. Only a lunatic would want untold wealth out of a wooden box.

My main purpose of sending you this mail is because of the way i found you and perhap trustworthy ...

Yes, I can tell she trusts me by the way she addresses me as "Sir/Madam". Clearly not sending this request to just anyone. That would be reckless.

... to give this priorty of shipping this boxes of money to your address that you think is very secure and save in place with your percentage of which we can discuss if you are interested.
However, kindly respond through this Email: beverlymurray3000@yahoo.co.uk, for secruty reasons on the receipt of your mail.

I wait patiently to hear from you soon.

Best regards,
Madam Beverly Murray.

So someone — possibly a washing machine salesperson from Ipswich — gets this email and thinks, firstly, "Oh, I'm so flattered that Madam Murray picked me. She must really trust me. I wonder who recommended me. Was it Simon?" and secondly, "Come to think of it, yes, I do have a secret underground vault where I could hide vast chests of treasure, and, now I remember, yes, I know how to smuggle illegal gold into the country." What are the chances?

Hot on Madam Murray's heels comes this slightly different approach:

From: shadakshari [nobody@rommel.spitfyresolutions.net]
Subject: Dear Friend.

Dear Friend.

A better start.

As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

OK, perhaps not such a great start, after all.

My name is Shadak Shari, a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer .It has defiled all forms of medical treatment ...

This is alarming. We can still use medicine, right? He's not defiled it for everyone?

... and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

Bloody medical experts. Even when they give you only a few months to live, they still refuse to be precise. Put the poor man out of his misery, for God's sake: tell him he's got exactly a few months to live.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

By now, like me, you're probably thinking "How? How can I give this man redemption before his spirit departs this Earth? Tell me! Tell me!"

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

Eh? Why not? Is giving money to charity that difficult? He can type out this email but can't sign a cheque? I don't get it. Unless he's of the same school of thought as Madam Murray, and keeps all his money in the form of bulging great sacks of dubloons. Giving them to charity could be tricky, admittedly. They're heavy. I'm sure most charities would operate a collection service, though, if you offered them squillions of guineas in Argentine silver.

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

So use your lawyer. If you're a multimillionaire businessman, you must have a lawyer. No? Oh, OK, then.

The last of my money which no one knows of ...

No-one, no-one at all. Except me!

... is the huge cash deposit ...

Huge! Huge, I tell you!

... of seven million dollars $7,000,000,that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad.

It strikes me that there is a way of making a killing out of these people, and that is to found a security and finance company. Abroad.

I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.

I have set aside 10% for you for your time and patience.please send a reply through this email address(shadakshari001@telkom.net) with your full contact information for more private and confidential communication.

God be with you.

Shadak Shari

If this blog isn't updated for a while, you may conclude that I've retired to the Maldives to live on caviar and Pimm's.


Update:

I've just realised that Bulgaria is the only non-Islamic country that Mr Shari wants to give money to. Coincidence?