Paul Danan is a genius.

OK, first of all, if you don't live in the UK or don't watch crappy TV, this post will probably mean nothing at all to you. Tough. Anyway.

I admit that, when I first saw him, I was as fooled as everyone else: I thought he was an obnoxious, puerile, self-absorbed, emotionally prepubescent moron. But, as I watched more and more in appalled fascination, the horrific realisation dawned on me that he's actually an obnoxious, puerile, self-absorbed, emotionally prepubescent bloody genius. His entire peronality is a meticulously calculated act designed to get him laid — and, preposterously, it works. For those of you who didn't watch any of Celebrity Love Island, here's a summary of Paul's chat-up technique:

You've got great tits, love. I mean, really, really perfect tits. Nice arse, too. Nice and round and pert. Can I touch it?

He waits a day or an hour or a few minutes, then switches to:

Fuck off, you bitch! I fucking hate you! Don't look at me. I don't want nothing to do with you. Shut up! Fuck off! Didn't you fucking hear me? I said, fuck off!

He then takes a break while he goes and sleeps with some other woman, with whom he openly claims to be madly in love. Any woman will do. Having got his end away, he comes back and says:

I'm really falling for you, babe. I think... I think you could be the one. I... I love you. I want to stay with you... forever.

You watch this and think the guy must be a total moron. I mean, there's no way this could ever work, right? He's just going to get slapped and screamed at, right? And, if the women he targets had any self-respect, that is probably what would happen. But they don't, so his technique works every time.

Unbelievable.

Why did no-one tell me about this when I was single?