Give us a job.

Today it turned out that I could do with some extra work. Well, more precisely, I could do with large bags full of cash, but, in my experience, it is rare for people to give me money unless I perform some sort of service in return. So here I am, doing what so many bloggers end up doing and asking you, my excellent readers, whether you're wealthy and in need of a bit of an employee. For I can be that bit.

What I'm mainly offering are my journalism skills. See the way I used "are" rather than "is" in that last sentence? That's proper grammar, that is, so you should hire me. This blog reflects merely several of my myriad writing facets: I also co-wrote The Greatest Rock & Pop Miscellany Ever, published by Sanctuary last year — real paid-by-the-word, churned-out-to-a-tight-deadline, well researched, commercial work. Hire me.

I do a spot of web design. Have a look at the Squander Pilots site. If you think that whoever built that has skills you could use, hire me. I will undercut probably every other web designer on the planet who doesn't believe in making sites more eye-catching by using as many font colours as possible.

In a less internetty way, I'm a good gardener. Unless you believe in paying your gardener's air-fares, you'll need to have a garden in the Bangor/Belfast/Newtownards sort of area. I plant, I dig, I build pergolas and lay patios, I prune and trim and nurture, and I have all my own tools except for a lawnmower. Hire me.

A longshot, this last one, but you never know. I am incredibly good with Microsoft Excel. If you need a super-advanced spreadsheet that does all sorts of amazing things, including macros that ask you how old you are and then draw pretty coloured pictures, hire me.

All rates thoroughly negotiable.

Of course, if any of you feel like paying me to do nothing at all, that's good too.

Thank you for reading my plea. Normal service — ranting about idiots, mostly — will resume shortly.