Monday 16 July 2007

The world's stupidest couple?

Well, it didn't take long for the new civil partnership ceremonies to reveal that gay people are every bit as nasty as straight people:

The civil partnership ceremony between Suzanne Mitchell and her lesbian lover Caroline Beddoes at Shrewsbury register office, on February 1, 2006, was a quiet affair.


But there was one small problem. Suzanne, 30, was still married to her husband Charles, 46, with whom she'd exchanged the same vows at the very same register office some six years earlier.

Even more bizarrely, Charles - the father of two of her five children - was still ensconced at the family home, albeit relegated to the sofa downstairs once 24-year-old secretary Caroline had replaced him in the marital bed.

This embarrassing state of affairs would have remained their little secret, had police not acted on an anonymous tip-off after Suzanne's "marriage" to Caroline imploded within two months and she decided she wasn't gay after all.

You'd think whether or not you're gay was the kind of detail you'd want to check before marrying someone of the same sex. Hey, it's just a thought.

Suzanne Mitchell's excuses are just great:

"The civil partnership ceremony was Caroline's idea. I felt railroaded into it because it was what she wanted. I thought it was just a blessing, not a proper marriage ceremony.

"I didn't lie to the registrar on purpose. Charles told me he was divorcing me, so in my mind I was telling the truth by saying I was single. I didn't think I needed to get divorce papers first."

To quote her is to ridicule her.

"I thought there'd be no harm in it, because I thought it was just a blessing on our relationship."

Yeah, and everyone knows that, as long as you don't actually marry your lesbian lover, merely having your relationship with her blessed while still married to your husband and living with your children is completely harmless.

As it turns out, this eejit of a woman is a good match for her twonk of a husband:

Charles, Suzanne and Caroline had spent an evening drinking together, when Caroline suggested all three of them go to bed together. While Mr Mitchell demurred and took to the sofa, the two women went upstairs.

As he lay on the sofa, Charles could hear his wife and Caroline making love as their baby daughters slept in the nursery next door. Why didn't he protest? Why didn't he rush upstairs and pull them apart?

"Well, no, it wasn't very nice having to listen to that," he says with staggering understatement. "But I decided that it was best not to overreact. They were drunk and Suzanne and I had been going through a rough patch."

Oh, fair enough, then.

As for the marriage:

"I didn't want her to go through with it, but how could I stop her?"

The bit in the ceremony where the registrar asks if there's anyone present who knows of any reason why the couple shouldn't marry? The bit where your embarassing uncle always coughs? Ring any bells? Never mind.

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