Look, journalist people, you're supposed to report The Truth. Not "facts" — whatever they are. The Truth.
Here's the BBC's version, in all it's gloriously workmanlike nonentitiness:
Runaway scooter carries off woman
An 87-year-old Cornish woman was rescued by police five miles from home when her mobility scooter sped off out of control.
Eileen Bishop, from Perranporth, and her husband Anthony were on their way to church when, he said, she "disappeared off the radar".
Officers later found her heading along the A3075 towards Newquay.
A police community support officer (PCSO) rode the scooter back and said it appeared to be working correctly.
'Full tilt'
Mr Bishop said the incident began when he and his wife set off for St Michael's church.
He said the scooter, which "hadn't been going that well", was set to three-quarters speed.
"Suddenly she passed me at full tilt," Mr Bishop said.
"I shouted after her but she is a bit deaf. I couldn't chase her as I've had a triple heart bypass.
"She just disappeared off the radar."
Mr Bishop said he and a neighbour searched for his wife and then went to the police station to report her missing.
"I was just about in tears," he said.
Officers found Mrs Bishop after a motorist reported a mobility scooter "swerving" across the road near Pendown Cross, five miles away.
Mrs Bishop said she was not sure how she got separated from her husband.
"I just lost him. I was half asleep to tell you the truth," she explained.
It took PCSO Michael Ginnelly an hour to drive the scooter back to Perranporth.
"I think Mrs Bishop just gripped the controls and went too fast and held on for dear life," he told BBC News.
Now, what a proper reporter would do with this is to spot the vital keyword: "Cornish". They're all crazy down there, you know. In a nice way. Understand that, and The Truth just appears, like a snake in a loo:
Runaway pensioner makes off on scooter
An 87-year-old Cornish woman was captured by police five miles from home after she sped off on her mobility scooter like a gin-crazed polecat.
Eileen Bishop, from Perranporth, and her husband Anthony were on their way to church when, he said, she "disappeared off the radar". Mr Bishop had purchased the small portable radar "after last time."
Officers later found her heading along the A3075 towards the Mecca Bingo in Newquay.
A fake policeman (PCSO) rode the scooter back and said it appeared to be working correctly, as if he were some kind of scooter expert.
'Full tilt'
Mr Bishop said the incident began when he and his wife set off for St Michael's church.
He said the scooter, which "frankly, I should never have bought her", was set to three-quarters speed "after last time."
"Suddenly she passed me at full tilt," Mr Bishop said. "She must have figured out how to turn the speed-limiter off."
"I shouted after her but she was in one of her moods and pretended to be deaf. I couldn't chase her as I've had a triple heart bypass, after last time.
"She just disappeared off the radar."
Mr Bishop said he and a neighbour hunted his wife with dogs and then went to the police station to report her escaped.
"I was just about in tears," he said. "And so were the police."
Officers found Mrs Bishop after a motorist reported a mobility scooter "swerving exuberantly" across the road near Pendown Cross, five miles away.
Mrs Bishop fooled no-one when she said she was not sure how she got separated from her husband.
"I just lost him. I was half asleep to tell you the truth," she claimed, unconvincingly.
It took PCSO Michael Ginnelly an hour to drive the scooter back to Perranporth, as Mrs Bishop had turned its limiter back on again.
"I think Mrs Bishop is just bored of church," he told BBC News.
There.
Can I work for The Sun now?
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