Tuesday 17 October 2006

The real problem with Americans.

As you might have noticed, there's always a lot of talk about what stupid insufferable imperialist uncultured arrogant fat violent ignorant parochial bastards the Americans are, and I disagree with it for two reasons: firstly, because it's not particularly true (apart from the fat thing, but, as I've said before, the food over there's just so fantastic that anyone who lives in America without getting fat is, frankly, stupid); and, secondly and far more importantly, because it distracts from the real problem. For yes, there is a real problem, and no amount of arrogantly and stupidly invading countries like Iraq and Germany and Japan for no reason at all while eating hot-dogs could ever come close to the sheer awfulness of what that bloody nation insists on inflicting on us.

Americans think Chevy Chase is funny.

Just think what a great film Spies Like Us would be had they cast anyone else in his role. Anyone at all. Ava Gardner would have been an improvement.

As if that weren't bad enough, it turns out that Americans love that Chevy Chase thing, whatever it's supposed to be, so much that they just can't do without it. And his recent and blessed lack of film appearances has therefore created, rather than a gigantic sigh of relief, a gap in the market.

Step forward, Will Ferrell. Great.

I was very pleasantly surprised by how good Wedding Crashers was. It was excellent, in fact. I was really enjoying it till Will Ferrell entered and, even with just a tiny cameo role, proceeded to shit all over the film. Like Chevy Chase, not only is he not even slightly amusing at his best, not only does he nevertheless inexplicably exude the smug certainty that he is the funniest thing alive, but he also has no ability to appear even vaguely realistic. It is impossible to maintain any suspension of disbelief while watching a gurning twonk who might as well have the words "Look at me! I'm in a film! Acting!" emblazoned on a large puce hat.

I have a request. I do not wish Chevy Chase dead — that would certainly be unreasonable — but the fact remains that, one day, contrary to the impression given by the look on his face, he will die. Chevy, when you go, could you take Will with you? Cheers.

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